Was she…
On vacation?
Stuck in the black hole of youtube?
Abducted by aliens?
In jail?
Busy conceiving?
Wellll….if you chose “Busy Conceiving”, you are correct! I am happy to announce that Baby G will be making his or her debut on November 11. It’s been a fun ride for the past 17 weeks and I’ll tell you more about that later. But for now…
I am excited to be back and active in the DOC and am looking forward to catching up!
So. I guess I can go ahead and say that the husband and I are officially “trying” for a baby. Being that I’m neurotic and can’t just see what happens, I’ve jumped into the deep end of the pool in this whole “making a baby” thing. Dr. Google is my new best friend.
Stuff I’ve learned:
The husband is a good sport with my neurotic self. He’s learned some stuff too about the female body – interesting stuff and some gross stuff too. But he’s super excited and I know he’ll be a great dad.
And luckily, we haven’t gotten to this point…yet…
Today marks 15 years since I was diagnosed with diabetes. During those 15 years I’ve gone from MDI to a pump back to MDI back to a pump. Here are a few interesting stats I’ve come up with…(yay, math!):
Fifteen years. That’s a long time. That’s longer than most Hollywood marriages. It’s been a hell of a ride with this whole diabetes thing. It’s made me a stronger woman, more compassionate towards others, more patient, some days a little angry and blue, but mostly, I’ve just been me. I don’t know any different and I think if you told me that there was a cure and I’d be able to live life free of a pump, finger sticks, and worrying about how that food/exercise/adult beverage/sleeping in will affect my blood sugar, it’d be an interesting adjustment period. One that I would welcome, of course, but it’s hard to grasp the concept of a life without diabetes! Could you imagine? It has been such a big part of who I am, but not all that I am. I am also a friend, a sister, wife, daughter, kickboxer when I’m not lazy, wine lover, cartographer, blogger, Phillies fan, pasta eater, aunt, volunteer, beer drinker, (Volunteer beer drinker? Sign me up!), Homeland watcher, employee, baker…I am not just a diabetic. I am Laura. There’s so much more to me than diabetes.
Last Sunday I participated in the Durham Bull City Race Fest in honor of my nephew, Josh, who passed away in June. My sister, Josh’s Mommy, organized a team of over 80 people to participate in this event – from the one mile fun run to the half marathon! She is amazing and has raised over $6000 for SIDS research! It was a great weekend, full of love.
I decided to participate in the 5 mile distance. Myself and a few others on “Team Josh” were going to walk and I admit, I trained for this event for about 10 minutes. I think I’ve gone running (shuffling) maaaaybe 3 times since we’ve moved here a year and a half ago? Boxing is my favorite exercise, but I’ve been a complete bum in that department as well. Oooops.
Of course since I didn’t train, diabetes decided to be a butthead. I woke up around 200 and had a bagel for breakfast. I bolused about 70% of what I’d bolus normally. I wanted to come down a smidge but I still wanted to stay around 170-200 because I knew this was going to be physically challenging and personally, I like to run a tad high when I exercise to prevent drastic drops.
Before the race started I looked at my CGM and saw the dreaded double down arrows. 
Oy. I ate two glucose tabs and figured I’d hopefully level out. I’d be very pleased if I stayed around 160 for the whole 5 miles.
Of course, diabetes rarely plays nice when you want it to. Throughout the whole race I had at least a southeast arrow. I was popping glucose tabs every 2 miles or so (along with texting my husband such ladylike things as “My BG is being an asshole”, I am the epitome of class, friends), took Gatorade when it was offered, set my pump to only give me 10% of my insulin, and still finished the race at 78. I suppose this could be considered a victory because I never really dropped, was just slowly going down. However, it caused me to panic and I couldn’t really enjoy myself and take in the race.
BUT, I did it, there wasn’t a catastrophe, and it was nice to be a part of Team Josh. I think about him often and miss him so much.
However, the next time I decide to do 5 miles, I’ll do one of two things: I will either actually train for it so I can remember how my BG reacts and can properly prepare, or I will eat a giant cupcake right before the race.
I made these delicious chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter icing for the Team Josh potluck. Don’t judge my awesome icing skills.
Five things that (irrationally?) worry me about a future pregnancy with Type 1
1. What the heck am I going to drink? This makes me sound like a lush, ha. Seriously, though. My CDE said I can have 2 artificial sweeteners per day. I use Stevia, which, according to my reliable resources on the interwebs, is safe during pregnancy. Awesome. I can have brewed Iced Tea sweetened with Stevia (right?). Of course I don’t want my future baby born with 3 eyes or anything, so I will do my very best to eliminate/strictly limit all artificial sweeteners and caffeine. *gasp*. Bye bye coffee. Hello….water? Milk? What else is there? Should I ween myself now? I have no problems with giving up wine and beer (although, nachos just don’t taste the same with water!), but I fear that giving up coffee will make me a nightmare to live with. It’s going to be a long 40 weeks! Sorry in advance for the crankiness, husband. ♥ you.
2. Is my job going to hate me with the 900 million doctors appointments I will have? My Endo’s and future OBgyn’s offices are a good 30-40 minutes away and as far as I know, do not offer evening appointments. However, I’m not willing to change because I love my endocrinologist and her team and I especially love my CDE. Luckily my CDE is very responsive via email so I am hoping that maybe, possibly, she will continue to help me adjust my rates and answer my questions via email when I am pregnant. Taking a lot of time from work to go to the doctor is something I already feel self-conscious of. I really am nervous that my coworkers will be frustrated when the time comes and I have so many more doctor’s appointments. However, I think that my direct supervisors will be more than understanding, as one of them recently herself had a high risk pregnancy. But still, I don’t want people to think I’m a slacker.
3. Working, period. Diabetes is a full-time job. My job is a full-time job. Being pregnant will be a full-time job. I’m tired.
4. Keeping the secret. The hubs and I have agreed that we don’t want to tell anyone until I’m 12-16 weeks along, however this may prove difficult. I imagine I will tell my sister sooner since she lives close by and I see her frequently. And I was the first to know (after her husband, of course!) with all of her pregnancies. (Neener, neener Mom! Haha!) But there are going to be challenges, depending on when we conceive. It could be a non-issue, in that we wouldn’t see our parents for the first 12 to 16 weeks due to schedules, when holidays fall, etc. Or there could be lots of time spent with parents in which I’ll have to lie my tender boobies off. It is pretty important to me that we don’t tell anyone until after the first trimester so we will just have to do our best. I’m looking forward to having a little secret with the husband. ♥
5. Guilt. I’ve read about this on so many different blogs of D-mommies/mommies-to-be. The guilt they feel when their BGs aren’t in range. I really want to enjoy my future pregnancy and be as laid back as a pregnant PWD can be, but knowing myself and how much I already love our future baby, I just have a feeling I will be super hard on myself if I am out of range. I hope I can find a good balance.
6. Judgement from others. (OK, it’s friday fives plus a bonus!). I’ve never been pregnant. I am scared, nervous, excited for that day when I see two lines on the pee stick. I have no idea what it will be like, how it will feel to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time, to feel the flutter of movement, etc. I am researching pregnancy with type 1 as much as I possibly can in an effort to educate myself so I can kind of know what to expect. I know that it’s going to be hard. I know I’ll have to make sacrifices (see #1). I know that there’s a decent chance I’ll have to have a Cesarean section. I just worry that people will judge me based on their experiences and what they think is right. I know my husband will have my back and I will just remind the judgey McJudgersons that although they may have been pregnant, they’ve never been pregnant with type 1 and I’m doing the best that I can for my unborn child. And if all else fails, I’ll break out some kickboxing moves and show them who’s boss.
I am thinking about this stuff more and more lately as the day when we start “trying” doesn’t seem as far off as it did a few months ago. I am so inspired by the type 1 women who have had successful pregnancies and know that my pre-worrying is a bit on the cuckoo side. But I also know it’s normal as we PWD can’t just throw caution to the wind and have to actually really plan and work hard for our pregnancies. In the end when I hold that little life, it’ll all be worth it.
No, Thoughtful Thursday probably won’t become a regular thing. But I have been thinking about my sweet little nephew a lot and wrote him the following poem.
To Joshua
I was so excited when your mommy told me you’d be coming into this world.
I waited with eager anticipation to find out if you were a boy or a girl.
Another nephew! How could I find the love for another little boy?
Easy, for I knew you would bring such happiness and joy!
Finally you were born, your face, so sweet.
I knew you’d melt the heart of everyone you’d meet.
I loved your big, curious eyes, tiny fingers, little hands.
But now we know that God had His own plans.
The three months you were here, you stole my heart.
Now it seems as if there is a missing part.
I miss your coos, your big goofy smile.
I don’t understand why God would take a perfect child.
The moment your mommy called me and told me the horrible news,
I didn’t understand, I was so confused.
Joshua? But he’s so little and so new.
His moments on Earth, so precious and few.
I was so excited to be your loving aunt.
But now I’m so angry because I can’t.
I can’t spoil you and give you treats.
But somehow I have to find peace.
Josh, I’ll miss you more than you know.
I’ll miss watching you learn, love, and grow.
I know you’re an angel, looking down on us here.
I love you baby boy, my nephew dear.
I will be participating in the Bella Rose Strides for Babies Event next month. If you are interested in donating in memory of Joshua and to fund SIDS research, feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!
I’m annoyed with diabetes today. Usually I try to let the day-to-day annoyances of the managing the D roll off my back and not get me down. I try to have an attitude of “it is what it is, deal with it and move on”. I think if I dwelled on how huge a pain in the ass Diabetes really is, I’d probably be pretty miserable to be around. Pity party of one. That being said, I am human and of course I have my days where I just want to throw my hands up and scream at the top of my lungs “This crap really, really sucks!”.
It started last night. The husband and I were going to have some, ahem, fun-adult-married-couple-time together. Before going to our chamber of love, I glanced at my Dexcom and saw 92 with a single down arrow. So I downed half a glass of juice to prevent a low. Of course, this didn’t work. A little while later at quite an inopportune time, my Dexcom started yelling at me that I was low. I felt OK so I ignored it. A few minutes later the low started to hit me so I had to tell the husband we had to hit the pause button so I could test. 53. Yay. More juice for me. We waited and pillow talked and I didn’t feel like I was coming up so after a bit the plug was pulled on our fun adult time. The mood was pretty much killed then anyway. Thanks diabetes, for the unexpected and unwanted threesome. Grrrr.
Of course after this longer than usual low episode, I over-corrected so my Dexcom was yelling at me all night for being high. So in my half asleep-ness, I bolused and set up a temp basal and, you guessed it, woke up low this morning. Needless to say, I was especially slow getting moving this monday morning.
I am also having one of those days where the presence of my gizmos and gadgets is annoying me.
So yeah, I’m cranky pants. I wish we could just take a day off from diabetes. I know tomorrow will be a better day, but for today, you get the stink eye from me, D.
Not my dog. Kinda wish he was though.
Image from the google.
As you can imagine with the sudden passing of my nephew, I have been slacky McSlackerson on the weight loss front. In fact, for the past 2 weeks I haven’t journaled a single morsel of food or put on my boxing gloves once. Sometimes there are other, more important, things to worry about and you just have to give yourself a break. However, this break ends for me today. The scale has crept up to 205.4 and, just, ewww. I have had a long enough diet hiatus. I’m not angry at myself, but at the same time I’m not going to allow myself to continue on this path. I think Josh would want his aunt to be healthy and happy.
The Hubs and I are back on our respective food plans today (counting calories + exercise for me, super low carb + exercise for him) and I think we are both pretty motivated to get back on track. I am going back to boxing tonight and am looking forward to hitting the bags and getting some endorphins in my system. I’m sure it will be pretty painful but I need to rip off that band-aid and just get my butt in the door.
I am in a wedding in early September and although I don’t like to set number goals, I’d like to lose about 10-15 pounds by then. I am going to focus on this and even if I don’t reach that goal, hopefully I’ll be a few pounds lighter and a few inches smaller!
Here’s to a good week!
Today I had an appointment with my Endo’s Physician’s Assistant. Honestly, I kinda like him more than my endo (although she’s pretty awesome too!). He’s young, very thorough, and never seems rushed. In fact, he spent an hour with me today, which is just unheard of. Unfortunately I wasn’t due for an A1c test (WAH!) as I had one within the last 3 months. Kind of a bummer because I wanted to see how my new cyborg life has affected things. But, I go back in August so I don’t have to wait too long.
We made some adjustments to my evening basal rate so my rates are now:
12 MN – 1.0
8 am – 1.2
2 pm – 1.0
8 pm – 1.6
Insulin to Carb ratios stayed the same:
12 MN – 1:15
7 am – 1:10
11:30 am – 1:9
5:30 pm – 1:9
9:30 pm – 1:15
Insulin sensitivity factor remains at 40 with my goal BG remaining at 120 +/- 10.
So, all in all, decent appointment. I had emailed my CDE my CGM and Animas reports yesterday and told her about my nephew and that may account for some of the wonky sugars I’ve had over the past week or so. She asked me when my appointment was and came over today to give me a hug and chat for a few minutes. So nice. I am really liking Duke! My CDE and I have been in pretty close contact since I re-started pumping, I cannot say enough good things about her. She’s awesome.
I had the PA write me a script for AccuChek test strips and he gave me a present of a shiny new AccuChek Nano. I’m going to be calling my insurance company to determine exactly what I need to do to get my strips for free now that all of my out-of-pocket expenses have been met. Hopefully what they told me last month about Accuchek strips being covered 100% is true. And I have a good supply of one touch strips so should I ever need to use that meter for remote bolusing, I can.
On a personal note, I am muddling through with everything. Staying busy helps. My friends and coworkers have been so kind to me and I’m very happy that my sister and her family have such a strong community of friends supporting them.
There are not really words to properly ease into a post such as this so I think the best thing to do is to explain why I’ve been missing from the online world for the past week. Last Monday, what was a normal work day, I received the call no one wants to ever receive. My sister, my best friend, called me to tell me that my sweet little three-month-old nephew passed away at daycare. He simply went down for a nap and did not wake up. I am comforted to know that he is in Heaven surrounded by those who went before him, however, as anyone can imagine, it has been the most awful week filled with many tears.
The hubs and I stepped up and helped take care of my sister’s other three children as well as overseeing the rush of visitors, maintaining the home, keeping the fridge stocked, etc. We are so fortunate that we live close so we were able to help out when otherwise we’d feel helpless. I can only hope that we made things just a little bit easier as my sister and her husband made arrangements for the funeral services for their son.
I am pretty numb and in shock over this loss. My sister and I have always been extremely close and since my husband and I moved to the area a little over a year ago, our bond has only grown stronger. I’ve loved being close by to offer a helping hand with babysitting and just to spend time with the kids doing fun things and letting them get away with stuff a little more than Mommy and Daddy might. I eagerly anticipated my baby nephew’s arrival and even took care of my sister’s other 3 children while she and her husband were welcoming the little one into the world back in March. Over the past 3 months I’ve gotten to spend more time with a newborn than I ever have before and I was enjoying being able to see this nephew more often than his brothers and sister while he was so little and new. I loved talking to him and having him coo and smile at me. His big eyes melted my heart and I was so excited to see him grow up. And selfishly, I was excited for our hopeful future baby to have a cousin semi-close in age to play with and be friends with.
My heart aches for my sister, brother-in-law, and their three children. If there was anything I could do to take this pain away from them, I would. I just ask that my friends hug their children tight, be grateful for all the blessings in your lives, and keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Joshua
March 2, 2013 – June 10, 2013
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