Thank you.

I didn’t know her.  I never spoke to her directly.  I read her blog a few times and remember thinking her daughters are really beautiful.  Through her words, you could feel the love she felt for her girls and her husband.  You could feel her strength, her compassion, her kindness.  The diabetes online community has lost a beautiful voice.

I am frequently in awe of D-parents.  I know what it’s like to live with this disease.  I know the times I worry about myself, the frustrations I feel, the overwhelming sadness when I remember that this isn’t going away.  I simply cannot imagine what it is like to feel those things for your child.  D Moms and Dads, you really are amazing.

Shamae, thank you.  Thank you for being a wonderful mom to your girls.  Thank you for teaching your daughter grace and courage as she lives with this disease.  Thank you for supporting others who are fighting the good fight.  Thank you.

Rest in peace.

Friday Fives: August 9, 2013

Five things that (irrationally?) worry me about a future pregnancy with Type 1

1.  What the heck am I going to drink?  This makes me sound like a lush, ha.  Seriously, though.  My CDE said I can have 2 artificial sweeteners per day.  I use Stevia, which, according to my reliable resources on the interwebs, is safe during pregnancy.  Awesome.  I can have brewed Iced Tea sweetened with Stevia (right?).  Of course I don’t want my future baby born with 3 eyes or anything, so I will do my very best to eliminate/strictly limit all artificial sweeteners and caffeine.  *gasp*.  Bye bye coffee.  Hello….water?  Milk?  What else is there?  Should I ween myself now?  I have no problems with giving up wine and beer (although, nachos just don’t taste the same with water!), but I fear that giving up coffee will make me a nightmare to live with.  It’s going to be a long 40 weeks!  Sorry in advance for the crankiness, husband.  ♥ you.

2.  Is my job going to hate me with the 900 million doctors appointments I will have?  My Endo’s and future OBgyn’s offices are a good 30-40 minutes away and as far as I know, do not offer evening appointments.  However, I’m not willing to change because I love my endocrinologist and her team and I especially love my CDE.  Luckily my CDE is very responsive via email so I am hoping that maybe, possibly, she will continue to help me adjust my rates and answer my questions via email when I am pregnant.  Taking a lot of time from work to go to the doctor is something I already feel self-conscious of.  I really am nervous that my coworkers will be frustrated when the time comes and I have so many more doctor’s appointments.  However, I think that my direct supervisors will be more than understanding, as one of them recently herself had a high risk pregnancy.  But still, I don’t want people to think I’m a slacker.

3.  Working, period.  Diabetes is a full-time job.  My job is a full-time job.  Being pregnant will be a full-time job.  I’m tired.

4.  Keeping the secret.  The hubs and I have agreed that we don’t want to tell anyone until I’m 12-16 weeks along, however this may prove difficult.  I imagine I will tell my sister sooner since she lives close by and I see her frequently.  And I was the first to know (after her husband, of course!) with all of her pregnancies.  (Neener, neener Mom! Haha!)  But there are going to be challenges, depending on when we conceive.  It could be a non-issue, in that we wouldn’t see our parents for the first 12 to 16 weeks due to schedules, when holidays fall, etc.  Or there could be lots of time spent with parents in which I’ll have to lie my tender boobies off.  It is pretty important to me that we don’t tell anyone until after the first trimester so we will just have to do our best.  I’m looking forward to having a little secret with the husband.  ♥

5.  Guilt.  I’ve read about this on so many different blogs of D-mommies/mommies-to-be.  The guilt they feel when their BGs aren’t in range.  I really want to enjoy my future pregnancy and be as laid back as a pregnant PWD can be, but knowing myself and how much I already love our future baby, I just have a feeling I will be super hard on myself if I am out of range.  I hope I can find a good balance.

6. Judgement from others.  (OK, it’s friday fives plus a bonus!).  I’ve never been pregnant.  I am scared, nervous, excited for that day when I see two lines on the pee stick.  I have no idea what it will be like, how it will feel to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time, to feel the flutter of movement, etc.  I am researching pregnancy with type 1 as much as I possibly can in an effort to educate myself so I can kind of know what to expect.  I know that it’s going to be hard.  I know I’ll have to make sacrifices (see #1).  I know that there’s a decent chance I’ll have to have a Cesarean section.  I just worry that people will judge me based on their experiences and what they think is right.  I know my husband will have my back and I will just remind the judgey McJudgersons that although they may have been pregnant, they’ve never been pregnant with type 1 and I’m doing the best that I can for my unborn child.  And if all else fails, I’ll break out some kickboxing moves and show them who’s boss.

I am thinking about this stuff more and more lately as the day when we start “trying” doesn’t seem as far off as it did a few months ago.  I am so inspired by the type 1 women who have had successful pregnancies and know that my pre-worrying is a bit on the cuckoo side.  But I also know it’s normal as we PWD can’t just throw caution to the wind and have to actually really plan and work hard for our pregnancies.  In the end when I hold that little life, it’ll all be worth it.

Thoughtful Thursday…

No, Thoughtful Thursday probably won’t become a regular thing.  But I have been thinking about my sweet little nephew a lot and wrote him the following poem.

To Joshua

I was so excited when your mommy told me you’d be coming into this world.
I waited with eager anticipation to find out if you were a boy or a girl.
Another nephew! How could I find the love for another little boy?
Easy, for I knew you would bring such happiness and joy!

Finally you were born, your face, so sweet.
I knew you’d melt the heart of everyone you’d meet.
I loved your big, curious eyes, tiny fingers, little hands.
But now we know that God had His own plans.

The three months you were here, you stole my heart.
Now it seems as if there is a missing part.
I miss your coos, your big goofy smile.
I don’t understand why God would take a perfect child.

The moment your mommy called me and told me the horrible news,
I didn’t understand, I was so confused.
Joshua? But he’s so little and so new.
His moments on Earth, so precious and few.

I was so excited to be your loving aunt.
But now I’m so angry because I can’t.
I can’t spoil you and give you treats.
But somehow I have to find peace.

Josh, I’ll miss you more than you know.
I’ll miss watching you learn, love, and grow.
I know you’re an angel, looking down on us here.
I love you baby boy, my nephew dear.

I will be participating in the Bella Rose Strides for Babies Event next month.  If you are interested in donating in memory of Joshua and to fund SIDS research, feel free to contact me.  Thanks for reading!

Radio Silence

There are not really words to properly ease into a post such as this so I think the best thing to do is to explain why I’ve been missing from the online world for the past week.  Last Monday, what was a normal work day, I received the call no one wants to ever receive.  My sister, my best friend, called me to tell me that my sweet little three-month-old nephew passed away at daycare.  He simply went down for a nap and did not wake up.  I am comforted to know that he is in Heaven surrounded by those who went before him, however, as anyone can imagine, it has been the most awful week filled with many tears.

The hubs and I stepped up and helped take care of my sister’s other three children as well as overseeing the rush of visitors, maintaining the home, keeping the fridge stocked, etc.  We are so fortunate that we live close so we were able to help out when otherwise we’d feel helpless.  I can only hope that we made things just a little bit easier as my sister and her husband made arrangements for the funeral services for their son.

I am pretty numb and in shock over this loss.  My sister and I have always been extremely close and since my husband and I moved to the area a little over a year ago, our bond has only grown stronger.  I’ve loved being close by to offer a helping hand with babysitting and just to spend time with the kids doing fun things and letting them get away with stuff a little more than Mommy and Daddy might.  I eagerly anticipated my baby nephew’s arrival and even took care of my sister’s other 3 children while she and her husband were welcoming the little one into the world back in March.  Over the past 3 months I’ve gotten to spend more time with a newborn than I ever have before and I was enjoying being able to see this nephew more often than his brothers and sister while he was so little and new.  I loved talking to him and having him coo and smile at me.  His big eyes melted my heart and I was so excited to see him grow up.  And selfishly, I was excited for our hopeful future baby to have a cousin semi-close in age to play with and be friends with.

My heart aches for my sister, brother-in-law, and their three children.  If there was anything I could do to take this pain away from them, I would.  I just ask that my friends hug their children tight, be grateful for all the blessings in your lives, and keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

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Joshua
March 2, 2013 – June 10, 2013